The trauma. Lives in all of us. With our hope. With our fear. With our trust. Too afraid to Set goals Or to just Dream of brighter days And the warmth Of the sun. Because we did that Before, And they didn’t come. We hoped it Would get easier But instead Ku’rough. We wanted a Moment of respite. To rest. To breathe. Some peace. But now All we do Is run –
I had a dream about you And all the different Versions of you. From The first time I laid eyes On you to The last time When you Broke my heart, true. We were in a small Square room And all your Selves Were known to you. And All alone, was how I stood – And I realized That’s how I’d Always been when I Was with you. Old feelings were called back From how we started Right up to how we ended. Old memories, From years gone past Showed the timeline of how we connected To the day we separated. I remembered those intimate moments And caught myself, quietly Missing them – I was reminded of who You were then And all the warning signs – Tells – Of who you became –
By the time the dream Was at its end, I felt as if my heart was Aching all over again. Because There I was, without you By my side Realizing As if for the first time That you weren’t it. I felt the tears burn The backs of my eyes, My body tensing from This muscle memory in my mind. I remember the wonder of Giving you one last try, Staring at that final text – “Good bye.” My hand shaking As I pressed SEND –
I want to go On an adventure With you. Pack as many essentials As we can fit in our boot. And you pick the place – Somewhere special To you. Some place full of memory. Somewhere meaningful. I want to Listen to you Speak your truth. In ways beyond words But in feelings, too. Beyond what this world Expects of you. I Want to know who You are, when it’s Just us two.
It’s been one helluva year, yeah? 2020 was different, in that we had to stay indoors & socializing in person was almost a crime. And then 2021 came around, & we crawled out of lockdown, & it became a little bit safer to meet each other in person.
Personally, I have never been one to socialize in any way, be it over the socials or live. So the shift of the levels didn’t affect the way that I interact with people. I was still private. I was still quiet. My phone was still on silent. My dial log still had the same 4 numbers of my tribe & work.
But then all kinds of impossible things happened & I was faced with the truth of how short this life is. And I did with that knowledge, the only thing that I could. I examined my own life. And I saw how much of it was wasting on wishing for things to change all on their own, when I knew that I could take steps to bring on the changes that I so desired.
One of those things, was engaging with the world around me. The people.
I’ve seen it said that nobody roots for you & celebrates you more than the social media friends that you may never meet in person. And I learnt that so beautifully this year, because of you 🌼
I am grateful for all the comments & likes & shares & space that you’ve afforded me. Thank You so much for all the support you’ve given me 🥰 You’ve made this journey so much more beautiful than I could have ever imagined!
Have a blessed festive season and I hope to see you all in the year ahead 🙏🏿
I was supposed To meet you. But I hadn’t Slept at all. And then I lost All Sense of Function in my jaw. I focused too hard On my ability – Or lack thereof – To put my thoughts Into Sensible words. And I got tired And my speech slowed To a crawl. And I knew. And you knew That Something was wrong. I started to panic. My chest became Sore. I couldn’t breathe – I couldn’t communicate – And I couldn’t talk!
You said, “Rest.” And I started to Protest. You said, “Rest.” And I was only Trying to do my best – You said, “Rest.” I told you It was the middle Of the day – “Please rest. I only want you To be okay!”
I was supposed To meet you. I hadn’t seen you In so long! I missed you! I hoped that We could hang out And talk. But My body shut Down And The alarm bells Were loud And before I knew What was happening I couldn’t make A sound –
My phone started beeping. He was calling. I wouldn’t have answered but we were both unsleeping. He was working the graveyard shift. He asked, “Why are you up?”
I said, “I hate this part.”
“Lying in the dark. Trying to shut my eyes and failing. Sleep : Dololo. Gone : Boroko. Mind full wired and Body : Aching. Words fully formed but stuck in my throat. More than half the time, I barely understand what I’m saying.”
I heard nothing. He didn’t respond. When I tried to –
“Hello? Are you still there? Are -“
The call was cut. The signal was lost. The Connection : Glitchy. And I closed my eyes hoping that sleep would meet me before sunup –
“ When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me. ” ~ Erma Bombeck
Happy Wednesday, Dear Reader 😘
AND WELCOME TO IT, NEW READERS 😀‼️ I hope you’re enjoying your reads and I can’t wait to give you more 😜
I barely remember anything from 2020 until the middle of 2021. My life is very sedate to begin with, but those months are lost to memory. Lost. Gone. Humanity took a collective hit, something that I never thought I’d experience in this lifetime.
But it pulled a lot of things into perspective. I sometimes wonder if I would have done this if Covid hadn’t come into our lives. Sometimes, the answer is a solid yes, other times, I don’t think so.
Being separate from everyone else and spending a lot of my days alone from sunup to sundown – that silence – it made everything else louder in my head and my heart. The desire to create and share my stories with the world was insistent. It was ardent and fierce and I was compelled to do it. From it, I made some beautiful connections and created some memories that I will carry with me into my last days.
I got to engage with people who have their own Magic that they’re releasing into the world.
And it has been absolutely beautiful to share their spaces – to watch dreams dance before my eyes.
And I am grateful, eternally 🙏🏿
~ J.D.. 🖤
GET YOUR COPY OF THE JOURNALS OF HE FROM THESE STORES WORLDWIDE!
At the start of the year Everything Seems so far away And You think you have All this time But then suddenly Mid-December is today. You try to pull forward Highlight reels to show for it But your mood is brought Low from it Because you have nothing to say – You forget all the little things And leave your success In disregard. You begin to downplay your Personal wins Because no one saw The wars you won. You don’t meet Their criterion To say that you won Big And so, all your victories – By their standards – Just don’t mean anything. And then you start To wander wonder If you were even productive At all. And you Find yourself in Intrusive ponder – Does it matter to them All the strength it took you to live Through it all? And then you Find yourself Remembering That you did Your best with What you had, And despite that lack You grew to plenty – You bloomed beyond! And they cannot Take anything from that!
And I felt safe in my truth – in his truth – and our truth. No one else could feel like this, the way I felt, being in his arms. Like somehow I was more than me. And in this union we had become something greater than just us. What I felt was something transcendent – like what we had was written in constellations, across the stars before we were one. And we bowed to it, we lay down to it. He was mine and I was his. He was a Love I didn’t know I needed until I found it.
But I could see it in his eyes, he was broken. His joy with his pain – bound. Interwoven He was defined by Words unspoken. He was feeling. He was passion. A fire, blazing. He split his chest and before me he was open. He let me in and in his Heart, he enclosed me. He trusted me With a Faith I’d never known. He decided. And he believed it. I was his chosen