Sanctuary

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All the rattling and hollow
Echoing off the fortress walls –
I need respite from all of it.
I want a moment empty of
The over-thought
And pulling back old things from recall.
All the things I could have done better.
What I should have said but never…
I need the healing of old wounds.
I need the warmth of my soul to fill
My own empty rooms –
I’ve spent my long days
Outside of me
And left my sanctuary empty.
I let the chaos get too close to me –
I need to fall back and rest a minute.
I need a moment to breathe.
That’s all it takes…
Outside my own adjectives –
A little more – me…

 

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Dreamer

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Sometimes
All the noise in my head
Goes quiet
And I feel my mind
Start to wander.
Everything outside me
Suddenly goes silent.
And inside
I hear my own voice
Whisper.

Ideas.
And inspiration.
And in those moments
I find myself fearless.
I’m held down by
Nothing.
I am reborn
In my liberation.
And my imagination
Is truly boundless.

I find myself bleeding
Myself dry
In black ink
And raw truth
Unfiltered
On pages, white.
The idea that
The heavy will
Weigh less
Prevents me from
Falling prey
To these dark thoughts
Of mine –

I –

Relish the quiet
Of mine mind.
I count down the days
In between them –
Those rare bursts
Of stillness and quiet time –
I wait for
The Stories
To come out of hiding –

Unrequited

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I require Zen.
My life isn’t chaos but my
Mind sure as hell is.
I failed to quiet it again.
When I found myself on
The hard wood floor
Wondering where I was.
My palms were stained red
Sticky
And stinging
From the shock of
Shredded flesh.
And then I saw the shattered
Glass.
Realizing
I’d gone chasing the bottom of
The bottle, where my numb was left.
I rolled over –
And winced.
I felt like –
There was a riot going on in my
Aching head.
The memories are fuzzy
In my brain –
But I know you were here –
I can’t remember what I said.
But I know I was honest.
The liquor stripped everything away
Leaving me with that.
My purest form of truth.
I know I let it all out
Failing to keep my mind in check –
And now I lie here on the floor
My body aching
Demanding things from me
That I no longer possess.
And I’m trying to ignore it
The flashes of memory –
The truths that my sober mind
Just cannot confess –
I realized I loved you
And somehow –
This fact had you backing away
In dread.
And this is what I remember –
The sound of the door clicking shut –
The sound of you when you left –

Trouble Sleeping

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Sometimes
Insomnia strikes.
And it hits hard.
It doesn’t care
That it’s dark
Outside
Or that day has fallen
To night.
And I’m tired.
But I can’t sleep.
My eyes are determined to
Stay wide
Wide
Open.
And there’s a tab
That I can’t close
And
I can’t find
Somewhere in the
Labyrinth of my mind.
Where the radio blasts loud
It ebbs and grows in sound
Playing the same song
Over and over
And on repeat
And I cannot shut it down
Even though all the other
Lights are out –

I’ve been looking so long
At these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they’re real -”

And I know –
I know that maybe
The lyrics of the song
Are the most accurate
Description of the truths I feel –

the watcher

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Sitting in an empty food court
Lights barely on
But I can hear the sounds
Of the world waking up beyond
The confines and painted walls
And glass ceilings.
The scent of popcorn rises
From the landing below
And the smell of fish mingles with it
Somewhere behind me.
And seconds after that
I hear the clang of metal of the
Security doors of the stores
As they start rising.
The night guard looks at me
And I drop my eyes to the book
I’m reading.
I wonder –
If he even gives a damn
About why I’m here
At this hour of the morning.
I don’t know if his gaze lingers
Coz I will not look again –
Now that I’ve decided.
And I wonder –
Why I am so presumptuous
To even assume that I’m the
Subject of his thinking?
And then they arrive with their buckets
And cloths and loud voices
And commence their cleaning.
Of the tabletops and the chairs
And floors
And the mess that was left here from
The night before.
I realize that my silence
Will break
And the false sense of my
Solitude will fall in its wake.
All the other doors open
And the air begins to vibrate
With the
Buzzing sound of a hundred voices.
And so I close my mind off
And lose myself to my book
Before I can find myself distracted again –

sweeter . . .

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You’re sweeter than my solitude.
I found myself in craving after one taste of you.
I would be quite content
To sit in your silence –
Simply just to gaze upon you.
I could fill my quiet
With the sound of you.
I’d dance in your storm
If it so pleased you
Because
It would have me basking in
Your glorious truth
And exposing me to the
Darkest parts of you –
I think I could open up to you
Yes –
If you’d only ask me to.
I would –
Lay myself bare for you
I would –
Pretend that there was no one else
In existence in this life
But just us two –
Because –
I find myself wanting to
Speak what I think
And use my words
In the absence of ink.
Something about you
Has me inclined to
Abandon my Journal
And expose my mental
Soul-deep
Reveal
All the truths that I keep –
You!
Have me stepping out
From my solitude
And I
Find myself wanting
To be known by you –

💖