Resolutions

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The trauma.
Lives in all of us.
With our hope.
With our fear.
With our trust.
Too afraid to
Set goals
Or to just
Dream of brighter days
And the warmth
Of the sun.
Because we did that
Before,
And they didn’t come.
We hoped it
Would get easier
But instead
Ku’rough.
We wanted a
Moment of respite.
To rest.
To breathe.
Some peace.
But now
All we do
Is run –

The Text

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I had a dream about you
And all the different
Versions of you.
From
The first time I laid eyes
On you to
The last time
When you
Broke my heart, true.
We were in a small
Square room
And all your
Selves
Were known to you.
And
All alone, was how I stood –
And I realized
That’s how I’d
Always been when I
Was with you.
Old feelings were called back
From how we started
Right up to how we ended.
Old memories,
From years gone past
Showed the timeline of how we connected
To the day we separated.
I remembered those intimate moments
And caught myself, quietly
Missing them –
I was reminded of who
You were then
And all the warning signs –
Tells –
Of who you became –

By the time the dream
Was at its end,
I felt as if my heart was
Aching all over again.
Because
There I was, without you
By my side
Realizing
As if for the first time
That you weren’t it.
I felt the tears burn
The backs of my eyes,
My body tensing from
This muscle memory in my mind.
I remember the wonder of
Giving you one last try,
Staring at that final text –
β€œGood bye.”
My hand shaking
As I pressed
SEND –

A Great Many Things

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I want to go
On an adventure
With you.
Pack as many essentials
As we can fit in our boot.
And you pick the place –
Somewhere special
To you.
Some place full of memory.
Somewhere meaningful.
I want to
Listen to you
Speak your truth.
In ways beyond words
But in feelings, too.
Beyond what this world
Expects of you.
I
Want to know who
You are, when it’s
Just us two.

Happy Merry!

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DEAR READER πŸŽ‰

  It’s been one helluva year, yeah?
2020 was different, in that we had to stay indoors & socializing in person was almost a crime.
And then 2021 came around, & we crawled out of lockdown, & it became a little bit safer to meet each other in person.

  Personally, I have never been one to socialize in any way, be it over the socials or live. So the shift of the levels didn’t affect the way that I interact with people.
I was still private. I was still quiet. My phone was still on silent. My dial log still had the same 4 numbers of my tribe & work.

  But then all kinds of impossible things happened & I was faced with the truth of how short this life is.
And I did with that knowledge, the only thing that I could. I examined my own life.
And I saw how much of it was wasting on wishing for things to change all on their own, when I knew that I could take steps to bring on the changes that I so desired.

  One of those things, was engaging with the world around me.
The people.

  I’ve seen it said that nobody roots for you & celebrates you more than the social media friends that you may never meet in person.
And I learnt that so beautifully this year, because of you 🌼

I am grateful for all the comments & likes & shares & space that you’ve afforded me.
Thank You so much for all the support you’ve given me πŸ₯°
You’ve made this journey so much more beautiful than I could have ever imagined!

Have a blessed festive season and I hope to see you all in the year ahead πŸ™πŸΏ

Love, J.D..πŸ–€

πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡¬πŸ˜˜πŸ‡ΏπŸ‡¦

Impaired

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I was supposed
To meet you.
But I hadn’t
Slept at all.
And then I lost
All
Sense of
Function in my jaw.
I focused too hard
On my ability –
Or lack thereof –
To put my thoughts
Into
Sensible words.
And I got tired
And my speech slowed
To a crawl.
And I knew.
And you knew
That
Something was wrong.
I started to panic.
My chest became
Sore.
I couldn’t breathe –
I couldn’t communicate –
And
I couldn’t talk!

You said,
β€œRest.”
And I started to
Protest.
You said,
β€œRest.”
And I was only
Trying to do my best –
You said,
β€œRest.”
I told you
It was the middle
Of the day –
β€œPlease rest.
I only want you
To be okay!”

I was supposed
To meet you.
I hadn’t seen you
In so long!
I missed you!
I hoped that
We could hang out
And talk.
But
My body shut
Down
And
The alarm bells
Were loud
And before I knew
What was happening
I couldn’t make
A sound –

unsleeping

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My phone started
beeping.
He was
calling.
I wouldn’t have answered
but
we were both unsleeping.
He was working
the graveyard
shift.
He asked,
“Why are you up?”

I said,
“I hate this part.”

“What?”

β€œLying
in the dark.
Trying
to shut
my eyes
and failing.
Sleep : Dololo.
Gone : Boroko.
Mind full
wired
and
Body : Aching.
Words fully formed
but
stuck
in my throat.
More than
half
the time,
I
barely understand
what I’m saying.”

I heard nothing.
He didn’t respond.
When I tried to –

“Hello?
Are you still there?
Are -“

The call was cut.
The signal was lost.
The
Connection : Glitchy.
And I
closed my eyes
hoping
that sleep would meet me
before sunup –

Dancing Dreams

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β€œ When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me. ” ~ Erma Bombeck

Happy Wednesday, Dear Reader 😘

AND WELCOME TO IT, NEW READERS πŸ˜€β€ΌοΈ
I hope you’re enjoying your reads and I can’t wait to give you more 😜

I barely remember anything from 2020 until the middle of 2021.
My life is very sedate to begin with, but those months are lost to memory.
Lost. Gone.
Humanity took a collective hit, something that I never thought I’d experience in this lifetime.

But it pulled a lot of things into perspective.
I sometimes wonder if I would have done this if Covid hadn’t come into our lives.
Sometimes, the answer is a solid yes, other times, I don’t think so.

Being separate from everyone else and spending a lot of my days alone from sunup to sundown – that silence – it made everything else louder in my head and my heart.
The desire to create and share my stories with the world was insistent.
It was ardent and fierce and I was compelled to do it.
From it, I made some beautiful connections and created some memories that I will carry with me into my last days.

I got to engage with people who have their own Magic that they’re releasing into the world.

And it has been absolutely beautiful to share their spaces – to watch dreams dance before my eyes.

And I am grateful, eternally πŸ™πŸΏ

~ J.D.. πŸ–€

GET YOUR COPY OF THE JOURNALS OF HE FROM THESE STORES WORLDWIDE!

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πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡¬ πŸ“š πŸ‡ΏπŸ‡¦

Here December

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At the start of the year
Everything
Seems so far away
And
You think you have
All this time
But then suddenly
Mid-December is today.
You try to pull forward
Highlight reels to show for it
But your mood is brought
Low from it
Because you have nothing to say –
You forget all the little things
And leave your success
In disregard.
You begin to downplay your
Personal wins
Because no one saw
The wars you won.
You don’t meet
Their criterion
To say that you won
Big
And so, all your victories –
By their standards –
Just don’t mean anything.
And then you start
To wander wonder
If you were even productive
At all.
And you
Find yourself in
Intrusive ponder –
Does it matter to them
All the strength it took you to live
Through it all?
And then you
Find yourself
Remembering
That you did
Your best with
What you had,
And despite that lack
You grew to plenty –
You bloomed beyond!
And they cannot
Take anything from that!

Love

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And I felt safe
in my truth –
in his truth –
and our truth.
No one else
could
feel like this,
the way I felt,
being in his arms.
Like
somehow I was
more than me.
And in this union
we had become
something greater than
just us.
What I felt was
something transcendent –
like what we had
was written in
constellations,
across the stars
before we were
one.
And we bowed to it,
we lay down to it.
He was mine
and I was his.
He was
a Love
I didn’t know
I needed
until I found it.