Yes, it is one of these
Situations that a young girl dreams
After years of fairytales and happy endings
Where Prince Charming comes and sweeps her off her feet
He will ride in on a fabulous white horse
With the sun at a perfect angle, making the halo glow
And then he will stop before her and present her with this
Foot-popping, heart-stopping, earth-shattering kiss –

And at this point, a red light begins to blink and an alarm goes off.
Because yes, the earth beneathe my feet did shatter and when it did, I prayed that it would swallow me whole!
Oh . My . Word!
Anticlimactic, giant dissapointment. I swear that a thousand thoughts swept through my mind and I am sure that my life did flashed before my eyes.
I know that I have never been slapped by a fish or lapped on the face by any kind of animal, but I am sure that this was what this brother was trying to do to me. I swear, it was the most painful moment of my life, watching a daydream shatter so fast and so confidently!

I was 18 years old and quoting Gaia Moore of the ‘Fearless’ fame, wondering if this guy was going to be the one to break the record – be the first guy to ever put his lips on mine! Thinking that this was the time that I had been unknowingly waiting for, all those times that I had clapped and danced for the happy couple at the end of the cliche movie when they shared ‘true love’s kiss’.
But maaaaaaan – was I so, so, so wrong!

He was in my room, pacing up and down like a caged animal.
I had no experience with boys, so I did not see the signs even though they were that obvious. I was too busy thinking about a string of other things, among which were ways to phrase the question without sounding too harsh – the question of when he was going to leave.

But he was focussed on other things. He saw his chance and he took it . . .

His lips on mine were the biggest regret of that time, I promise you!
I wanted to disinfect myself and autoclave every part of me that he had touched, lol. I understood the full meaning of the word, “EEEEEWWWWWW!”
I had never felt happier than when my room mate came charging into the room and ran right out again.
She was so sure that she had ruined an epic moment and was already shouting her apologies as she ran down the stairs, but little did she know that deep in my heart, I was practically begging her to return and throw the brother out on his ass.

Yes, I admit it, I was a coward!
I couldn’t even tell the dude where to go to school coz I wasn’t even sure if I was doing it right! I had nothing to compare it with. For all I know, that is exactly how it would feel to be kissed by a dog – an actual, honest-to-God, dog.

I remember how, the following day, he was so full of that thing called pride
Like he had just won the ultimate prize
But it was here that I began to realise
How brilliant a pretender I was before his eyes
That to the facts, this boy was blind
That he was fooled quite well by my planted lies
He couldn’t see beyond his ego and my practiced smile
That I was praying and wishing I could turn back time!

I wanted to erase the occurrence, wipe my memory, change my degree and skip town – I felt humilliated!
But he was riding it high, like he was the man . . .
And it was here that I learnt that I had done it right. For a girl who had not the faintest clue what she was doing, I had made this man of apparent skill feel like he was Mr. Too Damn Good – like he’d tasted euphoria on my tongue.

So here is where I learnt that not all of us are lucky enough to live a fairytale, that this life is the fun and beauty you make of it. That sometimes, you get a frog, or a dog, or nobody at all before Thee Ultimate He walks in.
Yeah, that was an epic disaster of a first kiss, but at least I know what I don’t want and that I sure as hell know what the heck it is I’m doing, lol!

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