There is a special kind of idiocy that I believe was designed for fools like me – where I cannot listen even if I hear and I cannot see even with my vision.
I am a – sucker for the pain I put myself through. What else is the reason that I am stuck on you?
Why else would I walk through the fire and back? Over and over until my very skin turns black?
When they speak of hope – all I see is your face. And when they speak of a future you are there in that place that has become so foreign to me because I’ve had to learn to, but I cannot see a future without you beside me.
Is this obsession because I cannot let go?
Or is this love like I have never known?
Your presence is the only thing that you have done for me – so why am I drawn to you, seemingly, irrevocably?
My God did send His only Son to die for me, He prayed for my own salvation and my right to breathe.
And yet I cannot even spare Him the time of day because thoughts of you are always on my brain.
And with each day that I find myself awake, still thinking of you and about you again I realise that my prayers were insincere when I told Him that I only wanted to be with Him here –
For what kind of person declares her love for one and thinks constantly – all the time, of another?
What kind of person can share with the world, this so-called love, when her Heart is filled with longing for some other
human being who doesn’t even notice her?
Yet He watches me and longs for ME – with a sincerity that should warm my Heart and claim me so fully in all of its beauty.
But it doesn’t – because this Heart is a broken vessel, destroyed by a monster of my own creation when I put a man above my own life and loved him – LOVED HIM – unconditionally.
If I were to fall and die today he would mourn the loss and be soothed of his pain but that pain would last just less than a day for his love was never lost my way.
But if he were to lose his life today I would shatter to pieces and there I’d stay and I’d never know of the love of God because my Heart would be frozen and lost to decay.
I feel all my pain and the guilt and shame at wanting as I want so ardently. Even when I know that this thing I need never will be what He wants for me.
But still my Heart craves him and my mind thinks of him despite all my efforts to be free of him and I fear that my prayers may go unanswered because even God has seen that I’m lying to Him.
And I’m lying to me.
And I’m seeing what isn’t real.
And I’m falling even deeper into a wound that will not heal.
Because it cannot be that He means for me to stay if I am only to hurt and break this way…
All I want is to love Him – LOVE HIM – the way I should.
And I swear that I cannot because someone else occupies my Heart.
And he won’t leave and I can’t go – I don’t know why I couldn’t even if I could!
And He can mend my Heart and take it for His own and I pray everyday that He will but He doesn’t and maybe He won’t. All those tiny things that I haven’t even begged for, He gives me so fast, my jaw hits the floor.
Everywhere – You bless me, I swear but –
Why won’t You let me let him go?