I wish God would allow it
That He could let me do it
That I could scream out loud and everything would blow apart around me
Because I would do it
I would no doubt unleash it
I would release that primal scream that’s been building up inside me
For all those moments when I
When I would fail to show it
All the pain of old mortal wounds that bled me stupid
And all those silent nights
When words would cower from me
Because they knew that what I had to say would show and prove it

That these feelings are darker than they have ever been
Growing and controlling me – somehow – like a second being
In this epic battle for the right to live within this body
Trying to consume the place that God built for only me

If He would let me move it
Would, I could – I’d do it
I would rock the foundations of this earth beneath my feet
I would tear right through it
Raze my anger to it
Tremble – writhe – roar – until every last bit was set free
Every spec of agony
Every little piece of me
I would rip myself to shreds and bring myself wide open
I would let the thunder clap
Have the waves rise and lap
Against this shell of me until every last part was clean

Because these thoughts are much darker than I thought they’d be
And all because I found myself changed from letting you near me
And inside rages a war that never stops within this Heart of mine
To let go – or be dragged – until nothing remains of me – she –

Oh yes, she would do it
If He would let me do it
If He would let me say it true what I feel inside
I know that He would hear me
I don’t know why I keep it
To myself – because I know that somewhere, yes your eyes
Would find what I’m trying to say
And then you’d think that maybe
What I say is vulgar – dirty – unclean and then you would try
To change this woman who’s speaking
Try to affect me without knowing
That it was because you made me let you in that I became this –

I wish you hadn’t done it
You birthed these scars on my skin
You’ve made it difficult for me to dream and trust again
I should have never said it
I should have walked away
But when He has His plans, they happen for the glory of a brighter day
Coz I am further apart from the woman that I thought I’d be
And I am much stronger and much wiser than the girl who was she
Oh yes – I think that I hate you for what you have done to me!!!
But I suppose you are the fire that God chose to better me. . .

Romans 8 : 18 – “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” ~ NJKV

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