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I hate this feeling.
I hate these days.
I have no reason to feel the way I do, but I do.
I can be good for a long list of days but then this day comes – days like these appear – and then I’m here feeling like I felt that day.
Hopeless and miserable and sad.
And wondering when the clock will stop ticking.
On the days when I’m away from that World, I legitimately feel like I’m never coming back.
An then I’m full of joy.
I feel like I’m making that fantastic walk with light all around me and there’s hope everywhere and I’m going to wake up and execute some perfect plan that makes everything fall right into place.
But none of that happens and I’m in my room, annoyed by people, unable to read and too frozen to write and waiting around the clock for someone to say that I am good and kind and valued and important and all those fabulous affirmations of life.
For someone to say that the words are being used right and that it is indeed a Gift and not a hobby.
And then I realize that it almost doesn’t matter whether this is all relevant.
I have felt like shit many times before and every single time, I have survived those days at work.
But my system never learns and every single time that I’m due to return, I feel like shit.
It’s clear, right?
I’m no longer happy there, am I?
Just how long will it take before I don’t recover from my – misery at the prospect of entering that place?
What will happen then?
What if I lay me down to sleep and then on the morning that I have to get into superhero mode, I just don’t?