My feelings for you are Holding up the line Ruthlessly barring access To all else I Feel inside Starving all my words Having All access, denied And keeping me From moving forward Moving on from Our time Together Moments I thought Would persist Forever Until a message in My inbox Informed me You were Not to return, No, never No goodbye Or one last night To sweeten The bitter Ache Of a love I knew Wasn’t one-sided And now In the Absence of you I must watch Helplessly While my Heart Lonely diesβ¦
I’ve heard of authors, whether they made it big by industry standards, or by their own, who have walked away from publishing new material after releasing one or two books.
I used to wonder wtf that was about, because getting published was one of my goals.
And then I saw the other side of this gig, the world that exists beyond my own.
The business end of things. The politics of it. The reader spaces that don’t know anything but toxicity. The active trolls who don’t know how to be anything else. The competition. The absolute pretense and the loss of self just to fit in. The playing of the game β
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Something inside the artist dies, when the truth of the business end of their dreams is revealed to them.
All the revelations! And now, I get it. I absolutely get it.
I get the burning desire to preserve the beauty of the dream, and the art that is birthed from it. I understand wanting to protect the magic of the Gift from those who would seek to reduce it to a hobby, or something that anyone can do.
Even if that means stepping away β stepping back β and keeping it close to the vest, where only a few can access it. I get it.
Because really, people are exhausting. They have this Herculean ability to wreck beautiful things. And I say this confidently, knowing that I too am a person.
My eyelid started twitching Twitching And all the superstitions Started clicking Speaking About how someone I hadn’t seen for a Little bit Would be reappearing And my immediate thought Was of you. You. Who walked away With no warning Releasing β Easing The weight of you From me β Now that I am Recalling β I felt a lot better As I watched you walking Away and out of My life, Saying that βSense came calling.β As if you’d had flight Of mind By being with me, And that you’d finally Seen the light Just because we couldn’t Agree Or Share the same sentiment On someone else’s Thoughts And that difference Couldn’t be fixed Even if we spoke on it Because You being you And me being me Was too insurmountable And our individualism Was too mighty a thing Than was comfortable For you β Twitching β TWITCHING Eyelid Foreshadowing the coming Of a person I did Take active steps In the anti-stalk But I guess the fates Decided That it was time we talked β
I tried to cry But the tears wouldn’t Come, and so I Tried to write It all down But the words Left my mind And then I got My music on And I Tried to block out The world And I realized It was doing the same And almost all Of us Were Trying to Deal with our pain In the same way By burying the Echoes of our Torment And overwhelm Under the Voices of others And how they Designed Ways To deal with theirs Instead of Facing our darkness And trying To conquer it So we don’t Have to hear What our Souls Are screaming At us β
It feels like living and life Right now is to despair. Coz life Really doesn’t care About you and me. It doesn’t care where you are Where you’re going Or where you’ve been. It doesn’t give a shit About you And your feelings. It rocks your noggin And keeps it moving. It doesn’t give you time To begin your healing. It prepares to replace you At the moment of your leaving. It doesn’t pause for effect When it hears you screaming. It just leaves you there Like you hold no meaning. Life chews you up And then spits you out And because it holds your future You go back for another round. Because you can’t afford to stop now Because you risk being Trampled if you remain on the ground. Life, as it is right now? Exhausts you and Grinds you down Until It’s drained you of every last Bit of joy you’ve found. Life has you wondering daily β How loud Must I scream Before the world Even hears a sound?
It’s Burying what I feel Under the rubble Of darkness It’s A barrage of feelings That I cannot share Ever Yet It’s Scary images conjured That linger here and Refuse to disappear It’s Shadows moving in dark corners Double-checked with a torchlight And there’s nothing there It’s Nihilism at its very best It’s Bringing on The sad thoughts And fuck all the rest It’s Doom-scrolling Through the worst clips In my head It’s You demanding of me more And me being desperate enough To give and give of meSelf Until there’s nothing left β Every time you demand Of me to do this It’s Feeling no And speaking yes.
To tell me That At least I’m ‘alive’ Is a cruel thing to Say and I will not hear Of it. Have you forgotten That Part of the Business Of my employment Is to be there at The start of life And the end of it? Do you think that Just because I’m breathing That means Every single thing In my life is Better for it? Until you’ve seen What it’s like To see a heart beating With no life force Attached to it Do not speak Anything of it β
Reality is Becoming A little too Dark for me I want to Disappear into The books I read. And I Cannot imagine How these Parents and Guardians Feel Everytime They have to Stand by And watch Their young ones Leave β
I knew that I was Traumatized When he apologized And I began to cry. Not because he hurt me β He didn’t β But it was the fact That he actually meant it When he looked into my eyes. How many times Had I been broken Before To the point that Common courtesy Had become reality No more β To the point that Human decency Became such a foreign Concept to me β How hurt was my Heart That it ached at his Kindness to me?
Everytime I think I’m Done with you All that dark energy Forces its way through. And all I see is Black And a world stained red. Every thought is Blasphemy And anarchy A sound, on repeat β Click. Click. BOOM! And I remind myself That I had seen this coming That all of this is Just old news But I see your face And someone mentions Your name And I want to rid My World of you. I want to tap into my settings And press a few buttons That block you from view. Not just in these 3 apps I repeatedly scroll through But deep in my mind, too And my soul And heart β You! I want you to blink Out of existence To vanish like dust Blown on the wind And be wiped From my conscious Thoughts And memories And the stories Of lessons taught To me By God And Lucy And my Ancestors And Life and it’s Cruelty. I can’t stand you. Will never do. Be gone from me Forever You B*