People ask me how you are everyday
Fact is I don’t know what to say
I know I asked you to take a step back
In the end
It was your decision to walk away . . .
I have a scar on my thigh.
I was told once that it looked like a – well – a butthole.
For years I felt insecure about my body, being the biggest and yet, the YOUNGEST of my sisters.
I have a large body. Pretty much everything on me is large.
My hands. My feet. My chest. My thighs. My ass. My hair. My eyes. My lips.
I remember when I was younger, I could never use the hand-me-downs that my sister outgrew because I was already too big to fit in my sister’s clothes before she could outgrow them.
I remember my toes hurting terribly because I couldn’t fit in her old shoes and my Mama couldn’t get me new ones yet…
I was bullied for being big. I was called fat a few times.
I was told that I was an over-eater just because I had a healthy appetite.
And then my scar –
This scar had me looking deformed when I would wear pants that fit my form.
I looked like I had a big dent in my upper left thigh, especially when I put on weight.
And it didn’t help being told that I look like I have a butthole in my thigh.
I took it all like a trouper, having gotten used to being shamed for being black and foreign and a girl with large everything.
But a kid can only take so much of it. And I started to believe that I was a fat glutton…
Until a whole series of things happened in my life that led to my acceptance of who I am and the package I was born with.
Learning to accept who I am made it easy to remove the static and the noise of all their negative energy. I learnt who I was and what I wanted and what I felt and what mattered to me.
And then, being large didn’t matter the way it did before.
I am large.
I have been large.
I am strong.
Just because I am bigger than they are, that doesn’t make me unfit or unhealthy or abnormal.
My body is mine and I won’t allow myself to feel bad about who I am just because I was built like a Warrior.
I am a Warrior.
I want to Write without wondering what everyone will say.
I want to Write without filtering my feelings for fear that someone, somewhere will take offense.
I want to Write with the truth in my Heart so that I bleed it out on the page.
I want to Write with a genuine belief that God loves me even with my mess.
Yes, I am aware that I’m a misrepresentation of that belief system.
And yes, I have felt the occasional attack of shame.
Because my thoughts are dark and my imagination is freaky and dirty and my Stories can get twisted and sexy and you may be disturbed by my Poetry –
I know that I cannot stay the same.
I know that – even if you cannot see it, He moves in me.
I know that whatever chaos is inside me, He always has His reasons for creating me this way.
I know that He never intended for me to be any living Soul but me.
I long to Write until I get it done.
I want to Write until I have said what He intended me to.
I will keep Writing what spills of me in self-expression and truth.
I will Write until I am no longer able to . . .
I heard a voice cry –
Rise, girl and stretch!
Feel the knots be loosed
From your muscles
As they flex!
Have you been waiting –
At the door
Until your bones
And then you were
Sprawling on the floor…
Hoping that he would
To the urgency of
Too long, I say
Now you can wait
My body trembled
From the long disuse
And I leaned on the doorframe
To support me
I thought I heard movement
But it was just the slow death
Of my own Dreaming
I picked my Heart right
Off the ground
Surprised to find that
It was still beating
And I realized then –
I realize it now
That I never truly needed
What I thought I did.
For a cold, hard second
I lingered there
But the voice was persistent
Within my Soul
It urged me away
Told me to leave
“No longer, girl!
Now you must go!”
So I left all desires
And all Hopes
Of ever finding the
Safety of your hold
Because as I waited
For you to come
When I called
Was The One I needed most –
You blow me away with your honesty
And it breaks me
How you’re so far away from me
And I wonder if that’s exactly why you feel
The way you do
Strong enough to be as free
As you are
As you tell me your story
Because you know that no matter what
You’ll never see
The expressions on my face
As I listen to you speak
As you crack your ribs open
And bare your Heart to me
Like this is the last day
That you will ever see
And the moon will rise
On the last breath you breathe –
I wish that I could sit there before you
And tell you things that would no doubt
The part of me that you saw with your eyes
So that you could see who
I am inside
These thoughts I hide
I wish I could say it all
Like maybe it just might make it alright
The first step to me letting in the light –
I wish I could open myself up
I wish that I could trust
This path that I was born to
I wish that I could be as true
As you . . .
Why is it that some of us are able to cope under pressure?
Why is it that some of us are not affected by ‘Life’?
Why is it that when an obvious storm is upon us, some of us cower, while some of us prepare our sparkly Wellingtons and raincoats and get ready to dance?
Why, when faced with the same shit, do some of us adjust while the others resist change and suffer rather than grow?
Why do you allow yourself to break, so?
What is it that you’re waiting for?
The World spins on, tossing all of us about –
So who do you think will stop to lift you off the ground?
You have the strength, right?
So why do you fail to rise?
When we stretched out our hands for you
You sat there confidently and refused
And when we got swept away by the current of our lives
You raged out in accusation, blaming us for your denial –
What is it, that allows some to grow – mature?
What is it that stays some in routine’s allure?
What keeps me from joining that conversation
Yet has me putting pen to paper in literary communication?
Why did you wait for your fortune to be lost
Before you appreciated the good luck that you got
Why did you keep moving onward into your pain
When you knew with each step forward
You were closer to being too late to turn back again . . ?
I am a Nurse
Mama was a Nurse before me
Maybe she had a different time of it
But for me it has never been easy
I was told
That I should never speak against one
Of my own
That I shouldn’t stir the pot
Or voice what’s in my head
And when they shit the bed
I should swallow my pride and clean
The mess they made
And use my strengths in the places
Where they failed –
That I should turn the other cheek
Seventy times and seventy again –
That I should lead by example and
That I was once a student
And that I should be gentle
With the recipients
Of whatever knowledge that I’m wishing
And that I should
That I’m onto the next book
And they are only in Chapter One
Of the first Part –
What happens when they don’t
Carry their weight?
And they slack off
Over and over again?
And they refuse to grow despite
Being given the chance
And when the true test comes
They simply drag you down with them
When they fail?
Am I supposed to do
Knowing that this is the team
I was given?
Stand there watching as I lose
My best guys
Just because of one single element?
How do I put my foot down
Knowing that I will rock the foundation
Of someone’s world –
Knowing that once she falls from the weight
Shall she be risen?
Mama said –
She said that I should stand with my kind
That I should pull them back
When they step out of line –
And no Mama
This one – she is NOT my kind
And I won’t do what is easy
In place of what is right –
I used to wake
With a scream in my veins
That would bleed into my throat
And then evaporate
I would clamp my mouth shut
Silence my Heart
And crush my own Soul
For fear of what they’d say
When they’d be confronted with the sound of my voice
Having been drowned out by my own noise
All these lies I’d flash in their faces by choice
All in a bid to smother my
There were nights
I’d wake up terrified
Of things that were hidden
From my eyes
That I could feel
Crawling inside my mind
But I was helpless
To purge them from
These senses of mine
But in my solitude
Couldn’t even get the Words out
Paralyzed by fear of the dying echoes
And the sound
Of the thunder in my chest –
Of my Heart as it would pound
So I forced the plea down
And I smothered my
There were moments when I would try to speak
When I –
Then I realized they were looking at me
And I –
Shook my head and I buried the Words deep
That they would hear
And judge me –