My Lovely One

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My Lovely One.
I remember, I put my book down.
My page-marker had fallen to the floor.
I leaned over to pick it up off the ground
Sat up
And there – there, you were.
You looked right at me
And I stilled.
Of course, you meant absolutely nothing by it.
For a second, my mask was abandoned
I scrambled to replace it –
But you couldn’t have known this
Right then.
I remember – you told me your name.
I tried to tell you mine
But somehow, my voice failed.
So I tried and tried it again.
But I missed my window –
And all the other noise just buried
Me in that small space.
And then
You were already walking away…
I tried to speak but my words stalled –
I lost all grip on the moment –
And I forgot what I was trying to say.
And suddenly, you were gone.
And now I cannot follow you
But I must move
I must move on…

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i think i felt my heart break

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I think I felt my Heart break
Right here in my chest.
I think I may have broken a rib
When I tried to restrain it –
When it tried to break free
And escape me.
Because I tried to
Pry it open.
Too soon.
I tried to do what you suggested.
And now I’m lying here
Bruised and broken.
Wishing that I was dead –
I should have just stayed in my head
In that place is where I should have remained.
I take back everything I said
Because it’s caused me nothing but pain.
I should have let my thoughts pass into fiction
I should have just stayed in my lane.
I should have saved it all for the poetic metaphor –
I swear, I will never open up again…

when we were still…

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I read somewhere that the Heavens never change.
The weather may shift but the constellations stay the same.
I wondered if it’s possible that these creations have feelings.
And if they gaze upon us the way we gaze upon them – with meaning..
I wondered, if they ever look down on us
And check how we’re doing
And if we’re surviving.
Do they yell at the dark clouds when they
Obscure their view of us when it’s raining?
Or are they unmoved and lifeless
And devoid of the beauty of love?
I sat under a night sky one evening
And reveled in the gentle breeze as it
Swept the Earth up around me.
I felt at peace
And I wondered if all these things –
The Elements –
Came together for the pleasure of me.
I felt like –
All the noise of the World had been muted somehow.
And like I was cocooned in the beauty of
My here and now.
I didn’t try to gaze into my future
Or lament over my past –
Or that I was well and truly on my own at last.
I forgot that I was lonely.
I forgot how I missed you only.
I didn’t remember that you may not exist, probably.
For a second, I could believe that they Loved me.
The Moon and Stars and the Trees and Earth and the gentle Breeze.
That maybe they dwelled in my stillness
For that night
To remind me
That maybe I am not all alone
Entirely…

Liberation Is The Word

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A little taste of liberation.
I think I found it
In the slow decay of our conversations.
When the walls went up
And notes were passed down
The words faded to nothing
As the paper rotted on the ground.
I saw this
When our depth faded to nothing
But idle chit-chat.
Our time together meant little more
Than the de-cluttering of this and that.
The passing on of information –
Just common knowledge and nothing sacred
And all was lost
To the sea of hopes and dreams
And wishes forgotten.
I think I felt it
When you decided to abandon the effort.
I thought – maybe –
I could pique your interest
And thus decided to look for it.
But I found myself wading
Through the darkness
Of the condemned ruins of
Our past lives
And found the skeletons of
The pictures of us that
You’d left behind.
I think my world stopped a little bit
When I realized
Just how expendable I must be
In your eyes.
I think I felt my Heart crack
Maybe, just a little bit.
I think I felt the first tears
Burn the backs of my eyes.
For a second, I vowed that you
Would never see me cry.
But you were long gone
And it was here that I started
To wonder why –
Why should I care?
You’re not even there!
You’re no longer here –
I –
Wasted so much of me
To make space for you
To the loss of me and my time.
And so I dusted myself off
And wobbled to my feet.
I took a deep breath –
Spared a second to look around me.
I realized in that moment –
There was nothing of you for me.
And then I walked away
Thanking God for this freedom
That I found in my Heart’s release –

crush..💖

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People talk about butterflies
Fluttering in their stomachs
When someone walks by.
I feel –
Mine is a full on beast
Born wild – but tamed
To my surprise.
It comes to heel
And bows down silent
Waiting for you to look at me –
And you do –
I swear that I can’t breathe
My hands start to shake –
The wobble in my knees.
I wonder –
When you turn those eyes on me
Do I look even as remotely
Beautiful to you
As you do to me?
I wait impatiently
For you to speak and
Acknowledge me –
Do you know my name?
Should I tell you again?
I would love to hear you say it –
My mind races with scenarios
And schemes to find a
Way to get you to know –
Me.
And all that I am
So that maybe
I could know you
Maybe…

Not Quite…

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My father asked me once
If I was happy with my life.
I said –
“Maybe – a little bit.
I have my books to read and
My desire to write.”
I said –
“Sometimes I wish I was stronger
And that I had a little more ambition.”
Then I’d go into the world and conquer
And get paid to do what compels my mission –
In this Heart.
Words beat in this body of mine
I find myself discovered
In each and every line.
For all the things that fail to
Leave my lips
I find clarity
Speaking my soul with ink.
I won’t lie –
Sometimes I wonder
If I will live this life like this
Forever.
I know it’s bound to get harder
But am I brave enough
To step out of the shelter
Of
My comfort zone
The safety of my job?
Sickness never sleeps and
Therefore they’ll never let me go?
If I got that pink slip in the mail
Would I be broken or relieved
That I would be free now to live my dreams?
“Are you happy in this life?”
I said –
“There’s so much more that I want.
Things that are outside of me
Things that may very well have never
Been in God’s design
For me -”
Am I happy in this life?
Maybe –
A little bit.
Maybe.
Not quite…

a legitimate ending

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I need to learn to let go of our Story.
I cannot let it hold sway over me.
You can only ask the same question so many times
Until
You realize
That it’s over and this is the legitimate ending.
I can no longer carry this resentment.
And question myself over and over
And look
Consistently at my mistakes –
When the fact is that you
Were never ready for me.
Slowly
I lose my ability to feel it.
Every time that I have the chance to repeat it –
Our Story.
You know the one.
How you were down for me.
How you had my back.
How I was ready and willing
To reciprocate that –
Until
You threw it all away.
Left me just like that.
I’m letting go of you and me
And moving on with my life, see
I will not check in anymore
And I will not leave notes at your door.
I’m moving on to the rest of me
That I may grow into the best of me.
I will end this chapter
Devoid of closure
And I’ll wish you well –

This Is Where I Heart

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Reader…

This year has been about returning to who I am.
It was about being brave enough to share my Words.
It was about – throwing down and putting that passion into the World
With the hope that I’d be heard.
For years, I left my thoughts to the confines of my Journals and
The imaginary conversations I scripted in my mind.
But this year, I let you have it.
Some of my people had loads to say, others simply said nothing.
The rest didn’t bother to try and exit their perceptions of who I am and stepped away from
Me.
Altogether.
Called me different.
Deemed me sullied and changed.
I discovered that I wasn’t changed, I was simply true to my development.
True to the design of me.
And you stepped into that journey with me.
So thank you, Reader.

Sincerely, Me.

The Moon Moved

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I’m lying in the dark
Engaging in my solitude.
I know the earth rotates
But I find myself gazing on the moon.
I wonder what I’d say
If I had someone to say it to.
Would they correct me
If I told them, I saw the moon move?

If I asked you to stay here
Would you?
Even out of pity for me
For just a minute
Would you?
If I filled my world with the
Things you love –
Would you?
I know you’re capable of it
But, would you?

I lie in this stillness thinking
About you.
There in my mind exists
A blank space.
Like a love heart carved
In that place
For the sanctuary of us
And the image of your face.
I forget you a little bit
Everyday.
I realize this and it
Moves me to pain.
To know that soon
I will have no one to give my Love to.
To know that all I gave to you
Will be mine – alone – again.

If I asked you to wait here
Would you?
Spend the last seconds that remain
Of us –
Would you?
Grace me with the magnificence
Of your smile –
One last time –
I see you shake your head
But would you?
Would you?

I hear you say that it wouldn’t be right
I wonder where your thoughts were
When you made that first misstep.
I hear you say that we shouldn’t waste any more time
I say –
Give me the closure I need
So that I may forget –
You.

If I asked you to leave here
Would you?
Would you apologize for all
The broken promises and lies –
If I asked you to do better
Would you?
With your new lover –
Do right by her
Would you?
Learn from us –
Would you?
Would you?

Metox

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I feel nothing like myself right now.
A part of me is glad.
The focus of my mental is elsewhere.
Not on my problems.
Not on the problems of my people.
The burden of being me is slightly less.
I will enjoy this separateness
Even though I don’t know how
I am apart from myself…
I will enjoy the illusion of my complete peace.
I will pretend that no evil can befall me.
I will enjoy the sound of thunder and the threat of rain.
I will revel in the absence of my own anger and pain.
I am not myself right now.
And I think that’s okay…