People ask me how you are everyday
Fact is I don’t know what to say
I know I asked you to take a step back
In the end
It was your decision to walk away . . .
I hate this feeling.
I hate these days.
I have no reason to feel the way I do, but I do.
I can be good for a long list of days but then this day comes – days like these appear – and then I’m here feeling like I felt that day.
Hopeless and miserable and sad.
And wondering when the clock will stop ticking.
On the days when I’m away from that World, I legitimately feel like I’m never coming back.
An then I’m full of joy.
I feel like I’m making that fantastic walk with light all around me and there’s hope everywhere and I’m going to wake up and execute some perfect plan that makes everything fall right into place.
But none of that happens and I’m in my room, annoyed by people, unable to read and too frozen to write and waiting around the clock for someone to say that I am good and kind and valued and important and all those fabulous affirmations of life.
For someone to say that the words are being used right and that it is indeed a Gift and not a hobby.
And then I realize that it almost doesn’t matter whether this is all relevant.
I have felt like shit many times before and every single time, I have survived those days at work.
But my system never learns and every single time that I’m due to return, I feel like shit.
It’s clear, right?
I’m no longer happy there, am I?
Just how long will it take before I don’t recover from my – misery at the prospect of entering that place?
What will happen then?
What if I lay me down to sleep and then on the morning that I have to get into superhero mode, I just don’t?
Sometimes, it doesn’t matter.
Sometimes, I don’t need to hear that I have the things that most people would kill for.
Sometimes, those things aren’t enough.
Sometimes, the things I need are not with me.
Sometimes, even with all these other things, I still feel hollow and lacking.
I don’t need to hear how fortunate I am.
I don’t need to be told that I have to suck it up and keep going.
Sometimes, all I need is for you to sit next to me and acknowledge my pain.
Sometimes, I need you to understand that Life does suck, even if you’re on the side where the hills roll and the grass is so fucking green and it rains sweetness and all things gorgeous.
Even if you have someone to come home to and the most beautiful and joyful puppy and a village to raise you.
Just sit with me and acknowledge that sometimes, Life is shit.
Sit with me, while I collect myself and rise above it . . .
The most powerful moments in movie scenes, I think, are the ones where there is no background music.
Where all that can be heard are the sounds of whatever is happening in the scene.
A Heart beating.
The use of Words and tones – speaking.
A car engine rumbling to life.
Fingers tapping a surface.
A dripping tap.
The wind rustling fallen leaves on the ground outside.
Footsteps coming toward you or walking away from you.
Footsteps walking away…
You blow me away with your honesty
And it breaks me
How you’re so far away from me
And I wonder if that’s exactly why you feel
The way you do
Strong enough to be as free
As you are
As you tell me your story
Because you know that no matter what
You’ll never see
The expressions on my face
As I listen to you speak
As you crack your ribs open
And bare your Heart to me
Like this is the last day
That you will ever see
And the moon will rise
On the last breath you breathe –
I wish that I could sit there before you
And tell you things that would no doubt
The part of me that you saw with your eyes
So that you could see who
I am inside
These thoughts I hide
I wish I could say it all
Like maybe it just might make it alright
The first step to me letting in the light –
I wish I could open myself up
I wish that I could trust
This path that I was born to
I wish that I could be as true
As you . . .
I stand alone.
I am alone.
Don’t tell me to engage with the population because if I cannot connect with them, then I may as well be standing in a tempest wind.
Hearing only noise.
Having everything wrenched from my grasp from the force of all that reckless motion.
Wishing I could hold on to something long enough for it to feel me.
Feel me and stay with me.
But I never do.
And everything just keeps moving.
So I stand alone.
Don’t tell me to engage with anyone.
If I cannot connect with them, then I may as well be alone…
I used to wake
With a scream in my veins
That would bleed into my throat
And then evaporate
I would clamp my mouth shut
Silence my Heart
And crush my own Soul
For fear of what they’d say
When they’d be confronted with the sound of my voice
Having been drowned out by my own noise
All these lies I’d flash in their faces by choice
All in a bid to smother my
There were nights
I’d wake up terrified
Of things that were hidden
From my eyes
That I could feel
Crawling inside my mind
But I was helpless
To purge them from
These senses of mine
But in my solitude
Couldn’t even get the Words out
Paralyzed by fear of the dying echoes
And the sound
Of the thunder in my chest –
Of my Heart as it would pound
So I forced the plea down
And I smothered my
There were moments when I would try to speak
When I –
Then I realized they were looking at me
And I –
Shook my head and I buried the Words deep
That they would hear
And judge me –
I’m one day closer to
Having to return to my life
I’ll have to look up from my Words
And engage with the world
I’m not ready to pretend again
I’m not ready to keep my face animated
I’m not ready for them to wonder at my silence
I want to remain here
I want to stay in this
I want to smile because it feels right
And when it hurts too much
I want to cry
And when I feel nothing at all
I want to show nothing at all
I don’t want to wear the masks
That come with the job
I don’t want to have to adapt
I’m not ready to face the masses
I’m not ready to put my Words down
I’m not ready for tomorrow
All I want is now . . .
I’m up late
But it doesn’t bother me
Because for the first time
In a long time
My head doesn’t ache
I’m not tortured by my own thoughts
Of guilt and shame
I’m not brought low by
The weight of my own pain
I am quite content
To sit here in the quiet hours
Where everybody else is sound asleep
Like I’m the only living being
And the silence is calming
As it settles on me
Like a warm blanket
I’m comforted by its weight on me
To know that even though
There is some reprieve
That for once
My Heart and Mind have reached an accord
And as I sit here
There is no turmoil or confusion inside of me
It’s these days right here
That I live for
To know that one day
My peace will last evermore
And I won’t have to be put down to feel it
I will live through every night
I will rise
And breathe in it…