Thoughts Loud Chaotic Messy. Put them somewhere Or let them wreck me. Break me. Silence All else In me Until all that’s left Is β something β Other Than me. Write it out Until I can’t hear The sound Of the endless echo Of whatever these Beasts are Shouting about. Until they’re not So loud. Until they’re so Far out And separate And far away That no trace Of them In sight and sound Can be found For miles And minds around β
My feelings for you are Holding up the line Ruthlessly barring access To all else I Feel inside Starving all my words Having All access, denied And keeping me From moving forward Moving on from Our time Together Moments I thought Would persist Forever Until a message in My inbox Informed me You were Not to return, No, never No goodbye Or one last night To sweeten The bitter Ache Of a love I knew Wasn’t one-sided And now In the Absence of you I must watch Helplessly While my Heart Lonely diesβ¦
I just wanna know What this looks like Through his eyes One fantasy One day dream One self-inflicted Sleepless night Imagination Running wild And sensations Described How contact So slight Just detonates And ignites β
I’ve heard of authors, whether they made it big by industry standards, or by their own, who have walked away from publishing new material after releasing one or two books.
I used to wonder wtf that was about, because getting published was one of my goals.
And then I saw the other side of this gig, the world that exists beyond my own.
The business end of things. The politics of it. The reader spaces that don’t know anything but toxicity. The active trolls who don’t know how to be anything else. The competition. The absolute pretense and the loss of self just to fit in. The playing of the game β
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Something inside the artist dies, when the truth of the business end of their dreams is revealed to them.
All the revelations! And now, I get it. I absolutely get it.
I get the burning desire to preserve the beauty of the dream, and the art that is birthed from it. I understand wanting to protect the magic of the Gift from those who would seek to reduce it to a hobby, or something that anyone can do.
Even if that means stepping away β stepping back β and keeping it close to the vest, where only a few can access it. I get it.
Because really, people are exhausting. They have this Herculean ability to wreck beautiful things. And I say this confidently, knowing that I too am a person.
I’m not here for you. I’m here for what you Can do For me. How perfectly you Can have me removed From the weight And the force Of my brood.
I don’t need to Know who you are β In fact Perhaps You should remain hidden In your heart. I won’t sign up for Your monthly Newsletter. No. Stay over there. Stay far.
I don’t care What your process is. You have your Tribe Who have earned the Exclusivity of this And If anyone even Asked me What you looked like I Would most probably Draw blanks in My mind.
Because I’m here for The gift you were given. The worlds in Your books These pages I Want to live in. I am here to Disappear in my Rendition Of your imagination. I am not here For your truth Just your magic Your fiction.
It’s the Sound of your quiet breathing As you lay sleeping That has me wanting To call ahead And let them know that I’ll be Late coming Into work this morning Not because of traffic And not because of load shed But Because I have no intention Of leaving this bed Just yet. It’s the Warmth of your body heat Enveloping me That has me Considering Pretending to be Sick Feigning a scratchy cough With a wicked ear itch And trembling joints And surface temp at Fever pitch So I can stay right here With you instead. It’s the Knowledge of what will Come next When your eyes Slowly open With the light of Today’s sunrise And the The sight of you Waking up And smiling at the memories Of the night we just spent. It’s the Realization That you feel this With me That when It’s you that has to Wake up early You delay it a little So you can see my face And in those 5 More Minutes We share peace In this space…
My eyelid started twitching Twitching And all the superstitions Started clicking Speaking About how someone I hadn’t seen for a Little bit Would be reappearing And my immediate thought Was of you. You. Who walked away With no warning Releasing β Easing The weight of you From me β Now that I am Recalling β I felt a lot better As I watched you walking Away and out of My life, Saying that βSense came calling.β As if you’d had flight Of mind By being with me, And that you’d finally Seen the light Just because we couldn’t Agree Or Share the same sentiment On someone else’s Thoughts And that difference Couldn’t be fixed Even if we spoke on it Because You being you And me being me Was too insurmountable And our individualism Was too mighty a thing Than was comfortable For you β Twitching β TWITCHING Eyelid Foreshadowing the coming Of a person I did Take active steps In the anti-stalk But I guess the fates Decided That it was time we talked β
I tried to cry But the tears wouldn’t Come, and so I Tried to write It all down But the words Left my mind And then I got My music on And I Tried to block out The world And I realized It was doing the same And almost all Of us Were Trying to Deal with our pain In the same way By burying the Echoes of our Torment And overwhelm Under the Voices of others And how they Designed Ways To deal with theirs Instead of Facing our darkness And trying To conquer it So we don’t Have to hear What our Souls Are screaming At us β
It feels like living and life Right now is to despair. Coz life Really doesn’t care About you and me. It doesn’t care where you are Where you’re going Or where you’ve been. It doesn’t give a shit About you And your feelings. It rocks your noggin And keeps it moving. It doesn’t give you time To begin your healing. It prepares to replace you At the moment of your leaving. It doesn’t pause for effect When it hears you screaming. It just leaves you there Like you hold no meaning. Life chews you up And then spits you out And because it holds your future You go back for another round. Because you can’t afford to stop now Because you risk being Trampled if you remain on the ground. Life, as it is right now? Exhausts you and Grinds you down Until It’s drained you of every last Bit of joy you’ve found. Life has you wondering daily β How loud Must I scream Before the world Even hears a sound?
I don’t blame you For looking at me blankly And being unable. I don’t blame you For staying silent In your little bubble. I don’t blame you For covering your ears In the chaos of this struggle. I don’t blame you For staying in your corner As the world around you Crumbles. Because I don’t see as you see And I’ve never been where You’ve been. All these paths we walk On the daily May never have us on The same feels. Because Despite Both of us showing Signs of life Your heart may never beat The same as mine. And even though we have The same 24 hours A day in time Our paces and goals May never align.
I don’t blame you For leaving the room When it gets too loud And too glitchy in your mind. And I don’t blame you For using what’s Left of your fight To safeguard what Remains of Your flickering light.